“Are you watching closely?” A tall, skinny, old man says walking out of
the darkness, his washed out skin is iridescent in the pale moon light, he has a
black top hat on and an old fashioned black suit. His beard is milky white and well-manicured
and he walks with a black cane. His voice echoes and he kept on repeating his
words inching closer and closer till I fell back. I sprung up in my bed with my
heart racing and body sweating. The
dream had a terrifying feeling almost like a cautionary tale that I could not
quite figure out. I look at my clock and it reads 3:53 A.M. despite the late
hour I could not bring myself to go to bed, I want to know the significance of this dream so I lay their pondering.
Eventually I dose off again and was entrapped in another dream. I’m on a beach,
the waves are crashing at the breaking point which sounds like a storm with
each crash. There were seagulls squawking in the background and a breeze came
off the water and filled my nose with the salty smell of the beach. The sand was
cool and squishy between my toes and the sun hit my face adding a warmth to my
body. I look up to the clouds and watch them move slowly across the sky like molasses.
Some of the clouds look like beloved cartoon characters others like my worst
nightmares. I stand here looking at the beach and feel happiness and peace rush
through my veins to my core. I begin to walk toward the ocean when I get to the edge my phone begins to ring, the noise irritates me and interrupts my peace. I look at the screen and it
reads, “Are you watching closely?” I read this and felt a sense of enlightenment, and as if it is a natural instinct I take my phone and throw it as far as possible into
the choppy blue ocean and felt freedom from that. Behind me I heard a familiar voice that said, “You are
watching closely” it was the old man but this time he looked different. The man
was wearing the same clothing but he took his hat off to reveal a bald shiny head
and a warm face with a big smile. He bows his head at me with sense of pride and that is when I understand his presence. I wake up from my dream to a
beautiful spring morning with birds chirping and a fresh cool breeze breaking through my window. But this morning was different instead of reaching for my phone I walk to my window look out and watch
closely.
Word Count:454
Good, this has sea gulls and the sound of the waves--see if there is another way to integrate sound earlier in the piece so that there's balance. Also, be sure that you are staying in present tense throughout (here, you are mostly in present tense until "This morning was different...). What other effects are you using? The voice sounds a bit like you're in a tunnel. Pacing is really good though--you take your time and you enunciate well. It feels like you practiced this more than once. The assignment was to write most of this in dialogue, but if you are able to use this as voice over material, that could work too. Let's talk more about this in class.
ReplyDeleteThe sound effects were great! I could visualize the beach and then the birds at the end. I also was able to understand everything you said, you speak at a great pace.
ReplyDelete